A Literary Journal of Critical Thinking
In the Samizdat Tradition of Writing against the Machine
A Forum for Examining the Dark Side of the Academic/Literary Industrial Complex

Ah, O'Neillians!

When men make gods, there is no God!
            —Eugene O’Neill

It is of course next to impossible to get dissident literature published nowadays, especially if one does not have connections.  I often wonder how much literature, certainly some of it good, ends up in the oubliettes... thanks to establishment literati.  So, if anyone can help, please, please do. 

The following is an excerpt from Ah, O'Neillians! a 10-page one-act irreverent fringe essay/play based on the observations of a poète maudit at the annual conference of the Eugene O’Neill Society in Tours, France, 2003.  It is copyright ©G. Tod Slone, 2007, editor of The American Dissident. 

Below, after the excerpt, you might wish to read the email exchange I had with Harley J. Hammerman, MD, "owner and webmaster of eOneill.com."  The exchange with an unusally frank "If you feel this is a “cop out,” I’m not sure I’d disagree with you.  But so it goes…"  Those are Hammerman's words, not mine.

 

The Characters: 

Henry Cusantre:  50s, long unkempt white hair, drinker, negative, fluent in French, not an O’Neillian, poète-maudit spy

Joanie Kurtesz:  late 50s, wildly dressed in different skin tight scintillating Floridian-type pants, fluent in French though missing some of the nuances, invited to deliver a paper, companion of Henry Cusantre

French University Professor of English (FUPE):  40s, dressed in brown tie and brown jacket, slightly snobbish with thick French accent when speaking English

Old Theater Actress:  60s

Hotel Receptionist:  20s

Speaker:  60s, white haired, very nervous, shaky voice, quite boring

President of the O’Neill Society:  40s, woman, asexual aura of dowdiness

O’Neillian #1:  Fat woman in her 50s, member of the Provincetown Chamber of Commerce

O’Neillian #2:  Fat man is his 50s, old homosexual Provincetown businessman

O’Neillian #3:  Fat man in his 40s.  Associate Dean of Small American College with a well-known book on O’Neill

O’Neillian #4:  Fat black woman employed at a southern tech community college

O’Neillian #5:  Young man, tenured college professor, winner of Tao House prize, up and coming O’Neillian

O’Neillian #6:  French woman in 40s, playwright. 

O’Neillian #7:  Young woman, tenured college professor

O’Neillian #8:   Fat male homosexual. 

O’Neillian #9 Tao House Park Ranger

Medal Recipient:  Obese, balding, smiley man in 60s with Long Island accent

Thomas Handke:  Well-known O’Neill scholar

Waitress:  Young, attractive French woman

O’Neillian Chorus:  Comprised of 20 odd O’Neillians

Scene 1:  Lobby of the Hôtel L’Univers

Joanie Kurtesz and Henry Cusantre arrive in Tours at the Hôtel L’Univers at seven p.m. for the conference.  Joanie had sped down the A-10 from Paris, now and then, reaching 175 kilometers per hour.  She’d wanted to arrive for the O’Neillian Happy Hour at 5:30.  But there were pockets of traffic, then a street manifestation for better pensions on the avenue Heurteloup where the hotel. They park and walk into the hotel lobby.  Joanie checks in, while Henry hangs around.  The lobby is swarming with O’Neillians conversing vociferously in English, seemingly unaware they are in France.   

French University Professor of English (FUPE)—  Are you lost, sir?

Henry Cusantre— (bluntly, somewhat aggressively and with Quebec accent)  No!  Pas perdu, moé!

FUPE—  Well, you could be. 

Henry Cusantre—  Yes, and you could be too.  C’est pas la France ici? 

FUPE—  Yes, this is France. 

Henry Cusantre—  On parle français, non? 

FUPE—  Yes, we do speak French here. 

Old Theater Actress—  Oh, Louis!  Isn’t this just exciting?  I can’t believe we’re all finally together again.  It’s been such a long year. 

FUPE—  (immediately casts his attention toward actress.)  Yes, this is it.  We are all together again.  Did you find your conference packets, Sally? 

Old Theater Actress—  Yes, I did and thank you so very much for telling me where they are. 

FUPE—  Did you enjoy the Happy Hour?  It was so nice seeing everyone again, was it not?

Old Theater Actress—  Yes, Louis, it sure was.  Oh, look, here comes Tom.  I’m so glad he could come.  You know, they weren’t sure at first if Tom was going to make an appearance or not… but, well, there he is!  And doesn’t he look just handsome?  I’ve always liked that blue blazer he wears. 

FUPE—  Oh, Tom, how are…  (Tom who looked like he was going to stop and chat, scurries off, leaving his admirers open-mouthed)  

Henry Cusantre—  (now standing next to Joanie Kurtesz, who is still in front of the reception desk conferring with a    receptionist.)  Dis-lui qu’une bagnole bloque le garage!

Joanie Kurtesz—  (still wild-eyed from the drive)  You tell her!  I can’t do everything. 

Henry Cusantre—  You know, I can’t stand  talking to butlers!        

Joanie Kurtesz—  She’s not a butler.  She’s a receptionist! 

Henry Cusantre— Whatever!  Moi, j’aime pas l’humanité compactée! 

Joanie Kurtesz— Why can’t you do anything?  I always have to do everything! 

Henry Cusantre— I’m only here because you wanted me to be here.  I can’t stand academics.  You know that.    

Joanie Kurtesz—  They’re not all academics. 

Henry Cusantre—  How can you tell?  They all look the same to me. 

Joanie Kurtesz—  Well, they’re not! 
 

Henry Cusantre— Why are academics so mystified by literary personalities who went through hell?  If they think O’Neill is so great, why don’t they go through hell like he did, instead of wallowing in academic comfort?

Joanie Kurtesz— Maybe you should just stand outside for a minute while I get us checked in.  This is costing $200 per night.

Henry Cusantre—  Yeah, and I really appreciate it because the college is paying for it.  If you don’t tell her, you’re gonna get your ass towed.  Repeat after me!  Une bagnole bloque le garage!  (walks away from the   counter to a stand of leaflets) 

Joanie Kurtesz—  (to the receptionist)  Excusez-moi, mais une bagnole bloque le garage. 

Receptionist—  Madame, “bagnole”  ce n’est pas correct, c’est un peu vulgaire ! 

Joanie Kurtesz—  Oui, je sais.  Il faut dire “voiture.”

Receptionist—  Oui, madame.  Je m’en occupe. 

O’Neillian #1—  (to Henry by the flyers) So, what is your paper about?  

Henry Cusantre—  The Ryan O’Neill connection, get it?

O’Neillian #1—  Well, that ought to be quite interesting. 

Henry Cusantre—  Actually, I was just joking.  I’m tagging along.  I’m not presenting. 

O’Neillian #1—  Well, that’s nice that you came.  (she quickly walks off) 

Joanie Kurtesz— (walking over to Henry)  Elle a dit que “bagnole,” c’est vulgaire.  You got me to say the wrong      

                word!  And you did it on purpose!

Henry Cusantre—  Well, qu’elle s’en aille se faire foutre, la pétasse!  Vulgar?  She’s vulgar.  Who does she think       she is, an elitist?  Everyone says bagnole, for chrissakes!

Joanie Kurtesz—  Just relax!  You’re so uptight all the time. 

Henry Cusantre—  I’m not uptight.  I’m hungry! 

Joanie Kurtesz—  You need a glass of wine, that’s what you need.

Henry Cusantre—  I need a goddamn bottle! The hell with the glass!  

FUPE—  Okay, everybody, now go into the dining room.  We should get started now.  (the flock of O’Neillians move chaotically into the dining room) 

O’Neillian Chorus—  (singing in monotones akin to religious litany)  O’Neill is a genius!  O’Neill is unique!  O’Neill is won-der-ful!  O’Neill!  O’Neill!  O’Neill is our live-li-hood!  O’Neill is why we are joined here to-ge-ther!  O’Neill!  Praise!  O’Neill!  Praise!  O’Neill!  Praise the scribe! 

Scene 2:  Conference Room at the Hôtel L’Univers

The O’Neillians, after dinner, have transmigrated into a conference room.  The evening’s keynote speaker, former president of the O’Neill Society, has been rambling on O’Neill’s Mourning Becomes Electra for 45 minutes.  Half the audience have their eyes closed and appear to be snoozing, while another fourth have been nodding in and out.  The speaker concludes…

End of excerpt

............................................................................................................................................................................................

Email exchange with Harley J. Hammerman, MD

From:  "Harley J Hammerman, MD" <harley@eoneill.com>
To:  todslone@yahoo.com
Subject:  "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Sun, 16 Apr 2006 21:32:01 -0500
Hello Tod,
My name is Harley Hammerman.  I’m the owner and webmaster of eOneill.com (www.eoneill.com).  I think we may have a lot in common.  I’ve been fighting an ongoing battle against the world of academia, and specifically the O’Neill academics.  (A few years ago, I gave a talk at Connecticut College entitled, “Is Academia Killing O’Neill.”)
I came across the excerpt from your play, “Ah, O'Neillians!.”  I’d be interested in publishing the entire play in eOneill.com’s new “Laconics” section (http://www.eoneill.com/library/laconics/index.htm).  Laconics is an alternative to the Eugene O’Neill Review.  You might be interested in reading the “Editor’s Foreword” for the first two issues:
http://www.eoneill.com/library/laconics/0/0a.htm
http://www.eoneill.com/library/laconics/1/1a.htm
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Harley Hammerman
webmaster@eoneill.com
www.eoneill.com
 

From:  "George Slone" <todslone@yahoo.com>
To:  harley@eoneill.com
Subject:  Re: "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Mon, 17 Apr 2006 08:18:08 -0700 (PDT)
Hello Harley,
Well, you've got one hell of a name!  Thanks much for contacting me.  Actually, my woman friend is the real O'Neill thinker and writer.  She's just given me (The American Dissident) a tough, critical review of that new Ken Burns film on O'Neill.  The review sounds like the talk you gave because that is also her point of view.  Oddly, I'd taken my writing off my site, so wonder how you came across it.  I'll have to put it back up since on rare occasions somebody like you shows interest.  I really wanted to get that little play with accompanying cartoons in print, but, well, have given up hope, so would be honored to have you put it up on your site.  The play is actually nonfiction.  It all really occurred.  Just read your forwards and like them.  Would you also be using the cartoons?  One thing I would like to request of you is that my email be included as well as mention that I am editor of The American Dissident, A Journal of Critical Thinking (www.theamericandissident.org).
Sincerely,
G. Tod Slone
 

From:  "Harley J Hammerman, MD" <harley@eoneill.com>
To:  todslone@yahoo.com
Subject:  "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Mon, 17 Apr 2006 10:34:03 -0500
Hi Tod (or is it George?),
My name was my father’s brother’s, and I’m not sure where he got it from – my grandmother could never tell me!
Who is your “woman friend?”  Might I know her?  How did you happen to be at the meeting in Tours?  I wasn’t there, but I was at a similar meeting in Provincetown last year – different location, same scene!
I only found an excerpt of your play by putting “Eugene O’Neill Society” into Google:
http://www.theamericandissident.org/Oneillians.htm
I can’t wait to read the entire play, since I know most of the individuals you’re satirizing, and you’re right on!  If you could send me the entire play, along with the cartoons, I know they would be a wonderful addition to “my cause.”
I will gladly include your email address and link to The American Dissident.  In fact, could you send me a “blurb” about yourself for “Our Contributors” section: http://www.eoneill.com/library/laconics/1/1x.htm
I don’t know if you noticed, but readers are able and encouraged to send responses to our Laconics publications, which will be published on the site.  The section is new, but I’m sure publications like yours will start the ball rolling.
Thank you for letting me publish your play, and keep up the good work!
As ever,
Harley

From:  "George Slone" <todslone@yahoo.com>
To:  harley@eoneill.com
Subject:  Re: "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Mon, 17 Apr 2006 09:16:03 -0700 (PDT)
Harley,
Jeanne Moore is the woman and I’ve just told her to send you an essay they rejected for interesting reasons.  I believe she’d compared O’Neill with the German expressionists and the big fellow got all angry at the very idea.  She’s in Europe right now though.  She wanted to go to the one in Tours, so we went.  Actually, I’d spent 7 years in France.  We also went last summer to PTown, so we probably actually saw each other.  I really enjoyed that… PTown.  Yes, precisely… different location, same scene. 
Yes, I see that remnant is still up there on the Internet.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get the rest to you until end of May because I’m currently teaching in Louisiana and the disk with my writing on it is up in Concord, MA… and Jeanne can’t find it.  (I had it on my computer, but they grabbed it all when it went in for repairs.)  But I will definitely send it to you with the four or five cartoons that went with it.  Perhaps it was interesting from my perspective because I really didn’t know who anyone was or who “important” they were.  Friend Jeanne did of course.  But thanks much for allowing me this opportunity. 
G. Tod
 

From:  "Harley J Hammerman, MD" <harley@eoneill.com>
To:  todslone@yahoo.com
Subject:  "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Mon, 17 Apr 2006 11:32:35 -0500
Tod,
It’s exactly because of your “perspective” that I feel your paper will be so important.  I look forward to receiving and reading the rest of it next month.  I also look forward to receiving Jeanne’s essay.  I think we’ve exchanged email in the past, and she’s been very supportive of eOneill.com.  There were so many people in Provincetown – I knew many of them via cyberspace, but I hadn’t met too many of them face to face.  My wife and I loved P’town – we hope to go back sometime soon.
Thank you, again, and keep in touch!
Harley

From:  "George Slone" <todslone@yahoo.com>
To:  harley@eoneill.com
Subject:  Re: "Ah, O'Neillians!" and eOneill.com
Date:  Wed, 31 May 2006 12:59:13 -0700 (PDT)
Hi Harley,
Just back from Louisiana.  Attached is the O’Neill mini play I promised.  I am working on another cartoon that might work with it.  Otherwise I’ll attach the other toons and whatever you decide is fine.  If you decide not to like the play, no problem.  Thanks again for your interest.  I will talk to Jeanne tonight to see if she has anything she’d like to submit.
Best,
G. Tod
 

From:  "Harley J Hammerman, MD" <harley@eoneill.com>
To:  todslone@yahoo.com
Subject:  RE:  Query
Date:  Sun, 18 Jun 2006 17:20:34 -0500
Hi Tod,|
I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you.  Yes, I did receive your play and it was fun to read.  I’ve sent it to two “like minded” friends to get their opinions.  I had hoped to hear from them by now, and I had been waiting to get back to you until then.  I’ll keep you posted, and thank you for sharing your play (and cartoons!) with me.
Harley
 

From: George Slone [mailto:todslone@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sunday, June 18, 2006 2:37 PM
To: harley@eoneill.com
Subject: Query
Hi Harley,
Did you ever receive my O'Neill play?
G. Tod Slone
 

From:  "Harley J Hammerman, MD" <harley@eoneill.com>
To:  todslone@yahoo.com
Subject:  RE:  Query
Date:  Sun, 3 Sep 2006 17:50:13 -0500
I know this email has been a long time coming, and I apologize for that.  However, I sent your play out to several individuals to read – and then again to another set – and the process took longer than I thought.
While the “reviews” of the play were mixed on its merits, the advice on whether or not to publish the play on the website was unanimous.  The feeling is that while eOneill.com certainly has not been afraid of offending academic types, we are still trying to offer eOneill.com as a mainstream alternative to the usual academic BS.  We feel your play might be too negative and too divisive for us at this time.
If you feel this is a “cop out,” I’m not sure I’d disagree with you.  But so it goes…
I hope you’re enjoying your Labor Day holiday.  Hopefully, we’ll meet in the future.
As ever,
Harley

From: George Slone [mailto:todslone@yahoo.com]
Sent:  Mon, 4 Sep 2006 09:05:39 -0700 (PDT)
To: harley@eoneill.com
Subject: Query

Harley,
No big deal. Your email was encouraging RE cop out… and I thank you sincerely for that sentence.  Odd, however, what I thought of several nights ago and prior to reading it.  “The bigger a poetry journal gets and strives to be, the more it ends up trying not to offend anyone or anything... and always at the expense of truth.”  Well, you’re not poetry per se, but I think it applies.  You might wish to share the sentence with your fellow lit executioners.  I’m back in Louisiana and enjoying it.  Spent the summer with Jeanne in Quebec , visiting islands (iles-de-la-Madeleine) and St-Laurent shore hamlets.  BTW, if you’re ever interested in dissident opinion, check out The American Dissident website.  
Best,
G. Tod
 

ALL MATERIAL ON THIS SITE IS COPYRIGHT ©G. Tod Slone, 2005, The American Dissident www.theamericandissident.org.